Dr. Debbie Stoewen, DVM, MSW, RSW, PhD
WHAT IS GRIEF?
Grief is the normal, natural process of adjusting to the loss of a loved one. Quite simply, if you have loved, you will experience grief. We cannot go through life without being touched by it.
Many are surprised by the intensity of grief following the loss of a pet, but the loss of a pet is often just as difficult, if not more so, than the loss of a person. This is because our relationships with our pets are remarkably intimate and mutually supportive; our pets love us ‘no strings attached,’ they hold our secrets, and they accept us just as we are. And when these relationships are an important part of our daily lives, the loss can be profoundly disruptive to our sense of home, sense of safety, sense of purpose, and sense of identity.
Contrary to popular belief, grief does not unfold in clear linear stages or follow an expected or predictable timeline. As well, it is not simply the experience of a broken heart, but a full body experience that includes physical, cognitive, social, and spiritual, as well as emotional manifestations.
Emotionally:
You may be all over the map, with feelings of anger, rage, guilt, overwhelm, despair, anxiety, yearning, loneliness, relief, and gratitude – as well as many others. Feelings are not right or wrong; they simply are. And they offer information from which to better understand your relationship with your pet and what the loss means to you.
Physically:
You may experience aches, pains, and/or pressure, including headaches and tightness in the chest. You may lose your appetite or experience nausea. You may have trouble sleeping.
Cognitively:
You may find yourself ruminating on aspects of your pet’s illness, dying, and death. You may find yourself distracted or unable to concentrate or easily confused. You may become narrow or rigid in your thinking, less able to see ‘shades of grey.’
Socially:
You may isolate yourself from others, as your family (who may experience the loss differently), friends, and neighbours. You may find yourself no longer fitting in with your pet-owning friends and avoiding situations where anyone may ask about your pet. You may use work or social events to avoid going home.
Spiritually:
You may find yourself angry with or bargaining with your Higher Power (however you define this). You may even question your faith. This may become a time of searching for meaning. Questions such as “What happens after death?” “Where is my pet?” and “Is my pet OK?” may come to mind.
These are all common manifestations of grief. It is important to remember that each person will grieve in their own way and in their own time.
WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP MYSELF?
Acknowledge Your Feelings:
Grief is a part of life. It’s only by moving toward the experience of loss that you can learn to live with it. Your feelings are normal and shouldn’t be bottled up. Talk with others and journal about the way you feel. It can help you come to terms with your loss.
Seek Support:
Spend time with people who understand, such as family, friends and co-workers who have lost a pet. Read articles and books on pet loss. Connect with an online forum or pet loss support group. Seek solace through your spiritual or religious community. If you suspect that you’re not just sad but have become clinically depressed, reach out to your family doctor and/or seek professional counselling. Don’t wait.
Be Creative:
Transform your grief into a meaningful expression of how you feel about your pet. Write a story or poem or memoir about your pet. Craft a scrapbook or photo album. Commission or create a work of art, as a sketch, sculpture, or painting of your pet.
Keep Moving:
Activities that inspire, such as volunteering, craftsmanship, cooking, gardening, long walks in nature and simply loving the other pets in your home can lift your spirits. Most people find comfort in maintaining daily routines.
Listen to Music:
Music can help you be in or lift your emotions and can soothe the soul.
Laugh!:
Allow yourself a break from the grief. In more ways than one, laughter can be “the best medicine.” It can be a healing salve for the heart.
Memorialize Your Pet:
Light a candle in your pet’s memory. Keep a lock of hair in a locket or Christmas ornament. Create a daily ritual to honour your pet’s memory. Hold a memorial service. A service both honours the life of your pet while giving others a chance to be of support to you. Place, bury, or scatter your pet’s ashes in a meaningful place. Plant a tree in the memory of your pet or flowers that will bloom every year (tulips, daffodils, forget-me-nots).
WHEN WILL I GET THROUGH THIS?
It is natural to want to feel better and “be done with” the grief.
Having said this, some fear that feeling better might mean letting go of – as in “abandoning, being disloyal to, or forgetting” – their pet. This fear can keep you circling around and around in your grief rather than moving through it. Circling serves no one; nor does it honour the memory of your pet and all that your pet stood for… the qualities that you loved, still love, and will always love.
Getting through the grief does not mean forgetting. Quite the opposite. It means bringing the memory of your pet into the safe, loving place of your heart where your pet will forever remain a part of you.
Coming to terms with the loss can take a long time, but the day will come when the grief of loss is replaced by the joy of memories when you remember your pet.
WOULD TALKING TO SOMEONE HELP?
Talking with someone can help. If you find yourself preoccupied with unresolved questions or feelings about your pet’s illness, dying, or death; witnessed the traumatic injury or death of your pet; or are feeling “stuck” in your grief for whatever reason; it might be helpful to reach out to a counsellor who can offer guidance, understanding, and support.
Sometimes even a single conversation can be the turning point that sparks hope and eases the grief so you can move your life forward.
Dr. Debbie Stoewen is a veterinarian and social worker. She has written about pet loss and bereavement for various organizations, been interviewed as an expert for articles in popular media (such as the Toronto Star, Globe and Mail, and HuffPost), and provided pet loss counselling for the pet-loving community across Canada. She’s now focusing her time and talents on the global issue of climate change to support the health and welfare of people, animals, and the environment.
Kali’s Wish is the first registered charity in Canada dedicated to supporting pet guardians facing pet cancer. Services and programs focus on Education, Awareness, Guidance, and Support through every stage of the journey.
